i feel...

A thousand emotions and thoughts have been running through my head since yesterday. My mind is calmer and my soul lighter now but i can't help but still feel the sadness and disappointment for my friends. So this is the feeling you get when people close to you haven't done well and you won't feel much happiness and elation no matter how well you've done yourself. No doubt i'm quite satisfied with my results and proud of myself for getting an A1 for GP and having a miracle jump of E to A for Econs,but there's still this tinge of inferiority and sadness for not making it to that board. I lowered my aims from 4 to 3As last year,and would have been happy if i got AABB in the end. I have lowered my expectations and come to accept and be contented with what i have,since i already anticipated getting a C. But that's besides the point. I'm proudest of being able to continue my mum's legacy of being linguistically brilliant,and i've gotten an A1 for GP after my bro. Like wow. I never expected it,and it was a pleasant surprise.

I wish Hazel,Sianghan and HPY could have done better though. They certainly deserved better,especially Hazel. That's because i know she put in alot of effort. And i know that none of us is any less capable or smart than those who got all the As or somehow did better. Since effort is not proportionate to the results you get,it certainly makes one think twice about why one mugs the living daylights out when it's not gonna make any difference in the end,and is nothing compared to someone who somehow does better without having to put in much. And the system is such that 1 mark can make a whole world of difference,and you can't help but wonder whether you would have jumped a grade should you have elaborated more for an answer or added another point to an essay. That's life. Always so unfair and realistic. What's the difference between a A and a B? Maybe 1 mark,maybe 10. But who will bother even if your competencies are actually comparable? The mark ranges are not even standard,and some simply have ranges that are too small. But since we're bound to this system,we've just gotta accept it. I'm just rambling about the injustice i feel. I feel the sadness and disappointment for those i thought could have done better but didn't,especially since they're so close to me. But i guess what my mum said is right. Results don't determine a person's capabilities. Who knows,given a chance,even somebody who failed the As could excel in university and make it big in life in future? It's just that the person didn't suit the system or vice versa,or what one was good in simply wasn't tested. I believe we're all good in our own ways. Not being good in school subjects doesn't mean one is a good-for-nothing. So i hope they can perservere and not lose heart. I'll support you guys no matter what..don't give up easily 'cos that's the last thing you should do and you'll be letting yourself down.

I've been feeling bad. How exactly do you guarantee to someone that "I'll be there" when there's no such thing as a 100% certainty? Circumstances dictate a hero. It's this inner struggle i often have to face in order not to displease people. Thinking logically,i did the right thing by spending time with HPY and gang cos yesterday was py's last day in singapore until she comes back in June(hopefully),but somehow this time i just feel like i've let him down. 'Cos i wasn't there when he was down and out,and needed me the most. I felt a tinge of regret for assuring py that he had gone home and we weren't going out yet,but i know deep down that if i didn't,i would feel like i'd let my best friend down in the end. And i wasn't gonna see her in quite a long time. I'll really be missing her,since we've shared so many memories together,good times and bad. Since primary 5. If you want the definition of a true friendship,i would say that it's the bond i share with py. I still remember how we couldn't help it and cried together as we walked out of MBS on our last day there,how i cried on the phone to her when my grandma was very ill in hospital,how her eyes brimmed with tears when i talked to her about how janice was feeling and how i thought they shouldn't be treating her that way,how she cried when she couldn't get her results..and how we cried at the airport. I hate it when people close to me leave. I cried when grandma passed away,I cried when my bro left for US,I cried when py left for UK,and i hope nobody ever leaves me again. I hope Janice doesn't decide to leave too,and i hope sianghan can get into a local U so that he doesn't have to leave. Failing which i wouldn't wanna send him off if i can help it. 'Cos it'd be too painful.

Yesterday was one of the rare times i couldn't come to terms with my own emotions. I didn't know whether to feel happy,sad,worried,anxious,guilty or relieved. I guess i was feeling a mixture of it all. But sadness and worry dominated. I felt depressed. All the way till this evening. It was almost as if i was the one in his shoes and i was trying to comfort myself. I felt so helpless and tired i thought i could just lie down and die. It sucks when you couldn't be with somebody when he needed you most and you didn't know what was happening and how he was and you couldn't contact him. I really wished i could have made him feel better,and im dying to make amends. It's hard being a good person. Is it just me or do i still have a whole lot to learn? Whatever it is,when something goes wrong,eveything goes wrong as well. Life's not easy man. School's out for the time-being but the stress is not

Yuling and Ting said that to them,i'm pro and damn good and they're proud of me. That meant alot. I hope i can say things that can make people feel good about themselves too. It's so sweet:)